Next To Nothing

Yes, sometimes pms makes me even more of a tiger... but that's not what I am referring to :)

I finally decided on going for the colour on my tiger, and the blossoms... it has come out so unbelievably well that S said he gets goosebumps looking at it, and he's the one who did the work!
Just the white to go, in the tiger, and his beautiful eyes... and then he's all done...
and i can start working on the next!!

and my man also sent me some early birthday flowers...
they surprised me at work... it was amazing...

i am a lucky woman...
i can't wait to see him again.

so I got new ink... finally got my tiger tattoo that I've been wanting since I was about 16 years old...
it's beautiful.
it's a work of art.
it's not finished - but it's already a source of pride for me, and for my friend S, the tattooist.
his best work yet...
it took 7 hours in total, with breaks for tea and stretching and for lunch (thanks M!)
about 5 or 6 hours of tattoo time...

I am proud of myself - for sitting quietly and remembering to breathe...
I missed my man... desperately... but not because i was scared... because i was just so filled with endorphins, and felt good and wanted to share the moment with him...

Just got shading and the colour to go - beautiful vibrant oranges and yellows, and whites, for my tiger, and reds and dusky pinks for the blossoms.. the rest will be black and white and however S wants to do it - it's his artwork, just my skin :)

I even got a "ah, that's very nice" from my mother... *wide eyes*...

I am almost done "scabbing"... i heal really quickly.. so i'm hoping to start the colour and shading in the next week or so... i can't WAIT!

I'm already planning my NEXT tats! Now that I know i _can_ handle the pain, etc, without getting wobbly or silly... i have so many ideas, and a willing tattooist!

since the boy left, we've been sending texts to each other every day... keeping in touch, as best we can..
he's still sitting in kuwait, in the dust and heat, waiting for his transport back to the sandpit...
he's trying to enjoy the relative "peace and quiet" of the base he's at before he has to go back to the bs and craziness of the FOB.

this time is incredibly bittersweet for me
i adore getting his messages... every time my phone beeps my heart jumps in excitement and i scramble to read the note from my man... because... he makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me sigh...

it's so good to know that he feels EXACTLY the way i do
i miss him so much that my heart aches and i'm like a junkie going through withdrawal ... he IS my drug...
i miss his skin
his smell
his lips
his arms around me
his cute feet
his warm hands
his dazzling smile (he can get away with anything if he flashes that smile at me)
his wonderful laugh (it makes me laugh when he does - every time!)
i miss making him breakfast
and lunch
and dinner
and holding his hand while we walk around the mall
driving in my car - his hand on my leg, giving me a squeeze every now and then...
seeing him looking at me, out the corner of my eye...
i miss the jokes and the play fights and the wrestling and tickling and laughing
i miss his laugh SO MUCH
i miss his voice... so delicious and sexy - reaches through my ear right down to my toes...
i miss hearing him say my name, calling me sweet things... telling me how much he loves me...

just normal, every day things
i will never take it for granted
we've had so little time together - but each time we ARE together, it's like we were never apart - we just click in place.
we fit.

so his messages make my heart SOAR.. but they also make me hurt... because i'm half a person without him... i feel empty and restless and lost...

but i know he feels the same - which makes it so much better, so much easier to get through the day.

i love him more than ANYTHING.
sometimes i can't believe that he loves me. that i am such a lucky woman.

ok.
mush over.
you can look again!
 

romantic does not even cover it...

Thursday 25th June 2009.

My friend G says he's coming to visit me, while I'm house sitting - just popping in for a cup of tea, he says... says he's bringing a friend too...
None the wiser - I am half in my jammies (ready for another early wake up and off to work - at least the next day was Friday) and not expecting anything hinky.

I open the garage door and see my friend G... don't see anyone else in the car... so i'm greeting G and then i see someone else walk in, but it's dark and i can't really see this "friend" of G's...
so I look at him, and then look at G - waiting for him to introduce his friend...
i then look again at this "friend"... thinking "he looks familiar"...
and then he smiles...
and my knees give way and the world goes a little smushy and my heart stops and i can't breathe...
because there stands the man that i love.
my soldier.
my dark and sexy american boy.
when my legs decided to work again, i leapt on him and clung to him like a limpet.
he said that was the best moment ever.

he smelled so good.
felt so good.
sounded so good.

my friend said that he has never actually seen genuine shock in his life until that moment when he saw my eyes.
the boy and he said that my eyes went HUGE and my mouth was open and they could almost _hear_ my brain go "WTF!!!!!???????OMG!!!"

and yesterday i said goodbye to him.
drove him to the airport.
we sat in the terminal, enjoying our last moments of being happy together.
thinking of the fun things we'd done.
things we'd seen.

we had the most amazing time - it's so refreshing to see the place i live, through the eyes of someone else.
he relaxed utterly, didn't shave, let his hair grow. slept well. ate well.
we had awesome weather - Cape Town clearly approved, because she saved up the foul weather for the day he left - it's still raining (BUCKETING!)

we saw cheetahs, and eagles and penguins and beaches and mountains and forests and we walked everywhere and went into little shops and flew in a gyrocopter and drank wine made breakfasts and lunches and dinners and took hundreds of photos...

i'm hoping that this little R&R was what he needed to get him through the next 4 months till he gets "home' to germany.
i know it helped me.
except that now, all these memories are here on my turf...
driving in my car
going to the shops
the hardest part is sleeping...
sleeping without his warm arms around me
his legs all tangled up with mine...
or wrapping my arms around him and resting my head against his back...
the sound of his heartbeat
 
just having to "go back to normal" - that's what's the hard part now.
but we will persevere - and i think this makes us stronger - as cliche' as that sounds.

he told me some interesting things and we had some good talks...

this was the best surprise of my life and i am even more in love with my crazy, cunning, sweetheart than ever before.

gross gross gross...
what is it with dogs and "cleaning up' after the cats?

*gag*
must be one of the most REVOLTING smells ever.

makes me quite ill.

so that damn dog is kicked out of my room and she can grumble and snorf and growl and whimper and be a pain in the butt, BUT FROM THE PASSAGE WHERE I CAN'T SMELL HER BREATH!

ANYHOO...

Been looking at gifts for the boy, for his 24th, at the end of June.
I want to get him something unique, original, special... something that shows him how much I love him, and makes him think of me every time he sees it...

I also want to get another tattoo - had some ideas and sent an email to my tattoo artist friend, see what he says about it... if he has any ideas as well...

"Ani LeDoddi VeDoddi Li"

A few updates:
Yes, I got that job in the HellDesk.
Full time. 8am to 4:30pm.
Which means getting up at 0530, leaving home at 0615 and getting to work by 0700, or I fight my way through traffic for an hour and a half.
Joy.
I only fall asleep, if I'm lucky, around 0230.
So I am one TIRED little geek girl.

I have too many house sitting gigs lined up.
I am tired just thinking about it. Start next week with the first one.
No pets. Will be quiet. No internet either. will be boring.
But it's during the week anyway - so I basically come home, eat, shower, sleep, wake up early.. no time for anything else really.
Haven't done much photography recently - too exhausted on the weekends - but still getting orders...
OH!
My photobook got listed on Amazon... check it out!
http://www.amazon.com/Photographers-Choice-Andrea-Lindenberg/dp/B002ACW0E0/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244295916&sr=8-5

I'm kinda stoked, actually - a Lulu pilot program that included me!
I'll see what comes of it, and I definitely need to make a new photobook with updated photos and a new theme too...

I trimmed my fringe - it was annoying me - I think I did a pretty good job.
I am going to dye my hair "ruby red" a bit later... see how that turns out - since the blonde thing ain't happened...
Just a change.. it's a dark ruby red... so more reddy brown, but not auburn...
I'll see what my hair decides it will turn out as though...

Went out to the Marine Bar last night - first time since.. wow.. November last year!
They've revamped it - it looks awesome!
All warm colours and nice lighting and a very cool poker table and also a new pool table (Bridgeport)... I even managed to win a few games. The other table I don't I ever won once... but I blamed it on the skewness and the bumps in the felt!
Met Bud, and Jeff and Chris - no, not Marines. Guys working there on the new security fencing etc at the Consulate. Cool dudes. Chris was born and raised on Oahu, in Hawaii - he has such a cool accent :) He joined the US Army at age 18, and was also stationed at Schofield, like the boy. But obviously, WAY back - he said '79 to '82 or something! He was very cool. I didn't get to talk to Jeff much, but he has a really fun laugh and a lovely accent too.
Bud was cool too - married a saffy girl a while back, and has a young daughter here.

Met one of the new Marines - John Oh - he was born in Korea, but went to the US when he was 7. Joined the Marines!
He's tiny, but a sweety from what I could gather. Didn't talk to him much.
Didn't meet Joseph, the other Marine, but saw him wander off to Post in his camos. Made me miss my man SO much.
And hearing all the accents.

And I still haven't met Jeff, and he's been there the longest out of the n00bs.

Jason leaves end of the month I think.. or in July.. he hasn't got orders, just knows he's going to New Delhi! Can you imagine?! I think he'll do well though - he has a strange patience with developing nation people, like us. I wish him luck. (although he carries that with him at all times) Will miss him though! Half Italian, half Irish - makes for a crazy concoction!

Miss the boy something fierce.
and with the new Plan he's made... I guess i will just have to go on missing him for a while longer.
yes, hoping still to go to the States in December.
after that, it's back here.
guess i'll just make my own plans and stuff.
i want to move out.
i love my mom, love my animals, but i so desperately need my space.
and since i won't be going anywhere for a few years, i might as well do it when i get back.
Not this year though - will be saving for the trip.
Not sure if i have to buy the ticket or not.
Details are, as always, vague.
i'm adapting though.
I'm a tough cookie.
a Saffy through and through.

We move on.
 

the problem is there's no trust anymore...
people just don't trust anyone.
can't really blame them - there are so many con artists and schmoozers and people wanting to take advantage of any weakness (well, what they perceive to be a weakness - i don't think compassion is a weakness) that is shown.

the world has lost her innocence.
you won't hear "i took a chance on them because they are good people"
that makes me so very sad.

also
i wish i was stronger and braver.
yes, this from a girl who wants to fly helicopters for the US army and take photos in a warzone.
BUT
this from a girl who bought a rather cute little nose stud
BUT IS TOO SCARED TO TAKE OUT THE OTHER ONE!!!!

I start... i pull, gently... i twist... i begin... then something goes FLOLLOLLOP in my stomach and ZOOOOOOOOOOOPKAPWING in my brain... and my fingers shake and my knees go wobbly and I JUST CANNAE DO IT JIMMY!

*sigh*

i'm such a f**king wuss.
how can the boy love such a pathetic wimp?

i miss him.
my body actually aches sometimes. i need his hand in mine. his beautiful soft lips. his warm arms around me.
the way he smells.
the way he sounds. his voice softly in my ear, in the dark. his heart beat. his breath.

DAMN IT!
as my friend G said of the boy and I - it's all very lovely and romantic, but can we skip the boring bits and just GET TO THE BEING TOGETHER BIT!!!??

Thursday night, J and I rode (she rode Catch - he's unfit but coming along nicely).
We got back pretty late, because I came from work, so we only got going around 1725 or so - C and Malawi were waiting for us.
We hosed them down - it was flippin hot still - and put them in and fed and all that.

We said goodbye to Isaac, who went off on his bicycle, as usual, to go to the shops.
We would give him a lift in winter - but in summer he uses his bike.

J left first and I left soon after. I passed Isaac by, as he was walking to the end of the sand track, and waved to him as he got onto his bicycle.

He never made it home.

L called me yesterday afternoon, around 1600, while I was at work. He said he'd just come from the police station, with Patrick (Isaac's brother, who also works at the stables) and he had identified the body.

Isaac was hit by a car, coming through the stop street, at the end of the road. Around 1850.
It must have happened mere minutes after I saw him.
Luckily I was sitting down when L called.
I was (and still am) in complete shock. And so, so sad.
Isaac was one of the sweetest, kindest gents I've ever had the priviledge of knowing.
He was brilliant with the horses (never putting up with Ex's nonsense, and always being extra gentle with Catch who is very sensitive) and would always do his best to help out. He even tacked up for me a few times, when I was riding all 3 horses in one day and was running out of daylight.

I will miss his irreverent humour and shy smile. And he always sang while he groomed the horses. Sometimes old gospel songs in Xhosa, and sometimes hip hop, in his heavily accented English.
He always smelled of Zambuc, when he got in the car. And Sunlight soap.
He was teaching me Xhosa. A new word every time I was down at the stables.

People from all up and down Swaanswyk road left flowers and cards at the stop street where it happened. One of his shoes is still there. I felt pretty gutted when I saw that.
J and I left some wire flowers (the kind you buy from those dudes at the traffic lights) - because they will last longer.
He will not be forgotten.
His wife left for Transkei 2 weeks ago. I cannot even imagine how she must feel.
And Patrick. His brother.

I went up to the stables this morning, early, to help him out with the horses.
He had already fed them, so I helped muck out. I got dirty, and sweaty, and it felt good. Just to do _something_ to help.
I made sure Patrick had my number and said that if he needed ANYTHING, he only had to call.
He said I didn't have to come help out with the horses later, he could manage fine.
He said I should come ride on the weekends now. It would be "good". Because I'm working during the week and don't have time like I used to. I said that M had said I wasn't allowed to, but he said she hadn't been to ride, or even to visit, in years. LIterally _years_.
So. I will speak to Barry next time I see him, and tell him i will be riding on the weekends.

I won't be able to ride with M and the gang anymore, once I make my job decision. So i will have to throw myself into the old boys. Like it was before. I think that's good. Good for me.

I feel.. numb now.

Rest In Peace, my friend Isaac.

Some things to keep me occupied in the next few weeks/months...

1) Find Wacom and get cracking on the 99 Designs thing. Maybe make some money. (Thanks, Ness, for the link)
2) Renew passport (expires in Nov '09, but it takes a looooong time to get done these days) Home Affairs. That should be fun. I don't even know where it is these days...
3) Study AFAST and ASVAB. Seriously. Going to ace the AFAST (no pun intended). Will need to brush up on my maths and science. And learn American system of measurements etc. Blah. Silly Americans.
4) Get books from the garage - I have shelves, now I must put them to use, damnit. There's a photography book, my N+ and I want to find my LoTR.
5) Get a new tattoo or 3. Not the Big One - going to get that one with the Boy.
6) Write letters (maybe start up with LWT again... ) and send the Boy some more packages, when I know his new address for his new FOB.
7) Make money and Save.
8) Finish paying off debts.
9) Go to shows, but choose the ones I want. No more standing from 8am to 6pm anymore, sorry. Been there, done that. Earned my dues. I'm most grateful to all the people who have welcomed me back and told me that I have been missed. It means a lot.
10) Start running (find pouch for Zune and keys, for my arm - I can't stand running with things in my hands) and get control of my body again. Riding 2 horses, once a week, is just not cutting it. My abs have disappeared. I am sad about that. Very sad. Something must be done.
11) Archive the show backups on my brothers portable hdd. I've had it too long. The shows are old, they need to go onto DVD and get filed away.
12) Keep dreaming. I have so many things I want to do. I _can_ do them.