Next To Nothing

I don’t know why I left

But I know I was wrong

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Got a letter in the mail,

Said go to war or go to jail

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Slapped me down in a barber’s chair

Spun me around, I had no hair

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Used to drive a Cadillac

Now I hump it on my back

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Used to be a high school stud

Now I’m marching in the mud

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Used to wear my faded jeans

Now I’m wearing Army greens

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Used to date a beauty queen

Now I love my M16

But it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

 

Mama, mama don’t you cry

Your little boy ain’t gonna die

Cause it won’t be long

‘Till I get on back home

......

I'm starting to feel it now.

That sick roiling in my stomach at the thought of my soldier boy going back there.

his second time around.

I priced a ticket to NM - R17 125.

Not much different to a ticket to Hawaii.

Still way out of my grasp though. And his.

He wants to go home. I don't blame him. He _needs_ "home" right now. As much as i want to be part of that "home"... i can wait. i _will_ wait. as long as it takes.

The more I read these milblogs (and i probably shouldn't... if i want to stay sane) the more i feel that tug at my heart.
This is someone who means _so_ much to me. More than anything in my life, ever.
Who, i can honestly say, i could not live without now.
He is so much a part of my day, my week, my weekends, that even when i go a _day_ without talking to him, i feel lost, restless, out of kilter. itchy, like a junkie needing a fix.
Talking to him - even if it's 5 minutes before he goes to work, or hours into the night, talking shit and laughing about everything, sharing music, thoughts on things - it's like an intense boost to something that's always there, deep inside me. he's like my powerup!

I see a uniform now (whether it's out there or online or on tv, it doesn't matter) and my heart leaps. I hear an accent and i immediately think about him, and smile stupidly. i hear the word "soldier" and my ears prick and my attention swings to whoever said it.

And i hear him singing.
See his patches. His name in bold letters.

This stupid war.

The bank annoyed me yesterday.
They "suspended" my credit card, because i missed a payment (R250...) by 3 days.
I've been with this SAME bank, SAME branch, for 26 years.
And they have the nerve to send me a rude sms and shut my account down?????

I was not amused.

I sent them a rude sms back - there was mention of poop flinging and waving of hands.

I retried my ff order this morning, and VOILA it worked.

The power of Going Apeshit.

Slowly catching up with all my orders, paperwork and printing.
Sent all my jumbos to ff to print (the above order)(over 300!) and now i must just do cds.
7 of them. But MOSTLY "new" shows... so i will have them accessible.... a couple of ancient archived shows though...
I'm gradually getting back to a good place though.

Now, of course, I have the Nelson's Creek Eventing weekend photos to sort!! But i'm not panicking about it... i will just get to it as i get to it.
My orders are far more important right now - some of the people have been waiting since March! (late march, sure, but still MARCH!!) and i hate letting people down.

What a weekend it was, too.
And Jamie's 21st on Saturday night as well...

i was bloody exhausted... and then the stomach bug struck, while i was tired and vulnerable, at 4am on monday morning.
man oh man was i in pain. throat was raw from throwing up! weak and wobbly.
missed my ride on Cuppi :(
but will ride him Wednesday morning, i'm sure!
Got A.T tomorrow too...
I need it.
especially after the last 2 weeks of misery.

oh man i love my soldier boy.
just ADORE him.
thick and thin, baby. my heart is yours.
forever and ever.
no matter what.

so, the boy put in for leave, 2-16 June. he wants to go home.
if it gets approved, it means he is going to Iraq in July.
if it doesn't, then it means he is going to Germany in August.
If it gets approved, then he goes on course end of june when he gets back.

so basically.

i'll never see him.

yay me.
yay him.

whatever.

and now the Army have decided to mess the boy around AGAIN.
He might be going July 15th?!?

So he said i should hold off on buying that ticket....

2nd May and he said wait.

WHAT NOW??!!?!?!

if he goes, in July... and i don't get to be with him.
it will be a YEAR. A YEAR, PEOPLE!!!!

A year before i see him.
a year in IRAQ!!!!

Come on Universe. help me.
help us.

i'm being strong.
but i'm burning out quickly.

and it's a little bit worrying...

This weekend is a big big show - and I am house sitting, and I decided (because i'm looking after the beautiful, and now one and only, Brutus) that i didn't want to go. just like that.
It's local.
It's lots of my "regulars"

but i really just don't want to go.
it's like i'm so tired of it. tired of the same old thing, every time.
yes, i am good at it - that's not ego, that's something I have just come to realise. But I am tired of it.

even with the new camera.

i want to do something ELSE.

i still love horses.
i adore them.
they are my passion in life.

but i want to do something NEW.
i want to expand my horizons!

i cant blame TJ for this - he is always encouraging, telling me to focus - but he has opened my mind, opened my heart... and now i want more.
I want to follow my arty side.

I can't wait to go see  him in Hawaii. I want to be with him so badly. Like my missing piece.

I think that when I see him, everything will fall into place.
Everything will be ok.

(N)Gone on a blind date
(N) Skipped school
(Y) Watched someone die
(N) Been to Canada
(N) Been to Mexico
(N) Been to Florida
(Y) Been on a plane
(Y) Been lost
(Y) Been on the opposite side of the country
(N) Gone to Washington , DC
(Y) Swam in the ocean
(Y) Cried yourself to sleep
(Y) Played cops and robber
(Y) Recently colored with crayons 
(N) Sang Karaoke
(Y) Paid for a meal with coins only?
(Y) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(Y) Made prank phone calls
(Y) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(N) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(Y) Danced in the rain
(N) Written a letter to Santa
(N) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(Y) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
(Y) Blown bubbles
(Y) Gone ice-skating
(N) Been skinny dipping outdoors
(N) Gone to the movies and didn't watch the movie

and the boy is just making me fall further and further....

i HAVE to get there.
i have to.
i NEED to.

i just love him.
everything about him.
he makes me feel more ME than i've ever felt.
i trust him completely.
and he trusts me.
but is so vulnerable... it's... surreal.
he is just as scared as me, about feeling this way.

and he's offered to help pay for the ticket, as best he can.
and that meant the world to me.

no more "i don't care"

no more...

he loves me.
no doubt.

oh i'm glad i didn't give in...

this morning i got the apology i was so desperate for...

big thing coming from a boy his age, and i appreciated it as such.

"i was being an asshole" he said.

i agreed

we moved on

thank you baby.