5 posts tagged “horses”

Thursday night, J and I rode (she rode Catch - he's unfit but coming along nicely).
We got back pretty late, because I came from work, so we only got going around 1725 or so - C and Malawi were waiting for us.
We hosed them down - it was flippin hot still - and put them in and fed and all that.

We said goodbye to Isaac, who went off on his bicycle, as usual, to go to the shops.
We would give him a lift in winter - but in summer he uses his bike.

J left first and I left soon after. I passed Isaac by, as he was walking to the end of the sand track, and waved to him as he got onto his bicycle.

He never made it home.

L called me yesterday afternoon, around 1600, while I was at work. He said he'd just come from the police station, with Patrick (Isaac's brother, who also works at the stables) and he had identified the body.

Isaac was hit by a car, coming through the stop street, at the end of the road. Around 1850.
It must have happened mere minutes after I saw him.
Luckily I was sitting down when L called.
I was (and still am) in complete shock. And so, so sad.
Isaac was one of the sweetest, kindest gents I've ever had the priviledge of knowing.
He was brilliant with the horses (never putting up with Ex's nonsense, and always being extra gentle with Catch who is very sensitive) and would always do his best to help out. He even tacked up for me a few times, when I was riding all 3 horses in one day and was running out of daylight.

I will miss his irreverent humour and shy smile. And he always sang while he groomed the horses. Sometimes old gospel songs in Xhosa, and sometimes hip hop, in his heavily accented English.
He always smelled of Zambuc, when he got in the car. And Sunlight soap.
He was teaching me Xhosa. A new word every time I was down at the stables.

People from all up and down Swaanswyk road left flowers and cards at the stop street where it happened. One of his shoes is still there. I felt pretty gutted when I saw that.
J and I left some wire flowers (the kind you buy from those dudes at the traffic lights) - because they will last longer.
He will not be forgotten.
His wife left for Transkei 2 weeks ago. I cannot even imagine how she must feel.
And Patrick. His brother.

I went up to the stables this morning, early, to help him out with the horses.
He had already fed them, so I helped muck out. I got dirty, and sweaty, and it felt good. Just to do _something_ to help.
I made sure Patrick had my number and said that if he needed ANYTHING, he only had to call.
He said I didn't have to come help out with the horses later, he could manage fine.
He said I should come ride on the weekends now. It would be "good". Because I'm working during the week and don't have time like I used to. I said that M had said I wasn't allowed to, but he said she hadn't been to ride, or even to visit, in years. LIterally _years_.
So. I will speak to Barry next time I see him, and tell him i will be riding on the weekends.

I won't be able to ride with M and the gang anymore, once I make my job decision. So i will have to throw myself into the old boys. Like it was before. I think that's good. Good for me.

I feel.. numb now.

Rest In Peace, my friend Isaac.

but that doesn't make it any easier...

Alchemy collapsed in his paddock yesterday. Mrs Ray called Jamie. Jamie called me (8 times - my phone was in the car though, cos i was out being thrown around and misbehaved with by a little horse called Rossi...) in tears.

Dr Augustein says "no more". Al's legs are too weak to hold his body weight - just in the last week, his near fore has shrunk in size, under the calcifications on his knee... it looks like a stick, compared to the other legs.
My poor Al. So. Bad weather today and yesterday meant they couldn't... dig the hole... so... they start digging tomorrow (wednesday) and the next day (it has to be deep, and big, for a horse's body) and then friday...  friday he goes.

my heart is breaking. but i knew that it was coming, after the scare a little while back. and this time i know it wasn't because of us - we really have been trying hard to get him out a lot, and we thought he was doing well.
it is so hard to see our magnificent Alchemy so ... frail and.. weak... he's still so beautiful. from the neck up, you would never know he's 28.
i don't know what Stormy is going to do when Al goes.
And Ex. He's going to be ... all alone when Catch goes out. I'm just going to have to do my best to get down there as often as possible and take him out.
but now, with me going away...
Jamie can ride him. If she can handle going down to the stables, that is.
Al is her boy, more than mine. and she had to have Rusty put to sleep today too. she's having a rough time.

and the boy is also having a rough time.
i didn't sleep at all last night. not even 5 minutes. i am so worried about him. my heart aches for him. to hear him so down. he is so miserable there. it's not what he was expecting, or wanting. and there's nothing i can do. which makes it SO DAMN HARD.
less than two weeks... then i can try and make it better. try my hardest.

i'm trying to get some work done - to get some money in, to cover bills while i'm away - but i am so tired, and so worried and so low... i just can't focus.

i'll keep trying, of course.

and it's a little bit worrying...

This weekend is a big big show - and I am house sitting, and I decided (because i'm looking after the beautiful, and now one and only, Brutus) that i didn't want to go. just like that.
It's local.
It's lots of my "regulars"

but i really just don't want to go.
it's like i'm so tired of it. tired of the same old thing, every time.
yes, i am good at it - that's not ego, that's something I have just come to realise. But I am tired of it.

even with the new camera.

i want to do something ELSE.

i still love horses.
i adore them.
they are my passion in life.

but i want to do something NEW.
i want to expand my horizons!

i cant blame TJ for this - he is always encouraging, telling me to focus - but he has opened my mind, opened my heart... and now i want more.
I want to follow my arty side.

I can't wait to go see  him in Hawaii. I want to be with him so badly. Like my missing piece.

I think that when I see him, everything will fall into place.
Everything will be ok.

making plans making plans...

still don't think i will able to make enough money to get that ticket to Hawaii in June...
i'm trying really hard... but i don't think it's going to happen...

don't think he cares, actually.

we've been kinda... miscommunicating recently.
i don't know.

but i'm Thinking Like A Boy, as was suggested.
Getting On With My Life, as i was told to.
Not Worrying About Him, as demanded.
My lesson was learnt.
Haven't told him I miss him.
Haven't told him I love him.
Not waiting online for him.
Not running after him.
Acting like I don't care.
The way he does.

but it doesn't seem to work - because now he's mad with me for being 5 minutes too late getting online.
first i'm told that i mustn't "worry about him", and that his issues/bad days are "none of my business"
so i back off.
and then i get called at 6:30am, told that he will be online "in about an hour, hour and a half"and that he's had a really "crappy godawful day"
so i go back to sleep for a little bit (not that i sleep much these days - brain too noisy) and get on at 8am, but have to help my aging dog outside (her back was a little sore, so she needed help standing up and getting outside - she's ok now) and when i come back... i get a message "thanks for being online" and he's gone offline.
how snarky.
how mean.
i was 5 minutes late.

so.
nothing i can do about it, and i'm not apologising.

*shrug*
he confuses me.

but he says _I_ am strange?

anyhoo.
a friend, who happens to be a recruiter for an international agency, has taken my cv into his careful care and is looking for international jobs for me... US specific, but also Canada, Cayman Islands.... and... Hawaii...
Not holding my breath (although he said my CV is pretty impressive - but i want photographic work, not IT related...)
but he says that their turnaround time is pretty damn quick and what's my "pack up and go timescale" ?

3 to 6 months he says is average.
I'm petrified. and i haven't told my mum yet either.

so now i wait.
should i tell the boy or not?
do i bother?
it's not a decision i made just for him.... i might not even end up near him!
I've been wanting to go overseas (to Canada more specifically) for a long time now.
i feel suffocated and boxed in here. and everything is so expensive.
i mean i LOVE what i do... but i want to expand my horizons... see what ELSE i can do with my photography...
i'm going to be famous. cocky as that sounds, i just know i am going to be.
this is what i am meant to do.
it sits right with me.

ok..
so
i got on the scale the other morning, in all my riding gear (jods, boots, chaps, jacket) and i weighed less than i did, while standing naked on the scale, about a month ago...

i've lost another kg.
while this is SUPER, and i'm well pleased...
it's also a little... scary...
i've changed nothing, done nothing new - in fact i've been far more idle in the last month or so (house sitting needy dogs that meant i couldn't go anywhere, or ride or anything) and eaten far too much (boredom) than before...

perhaps i really have just kicked up my metabolism a notch?
i'll keep an eye on it.

i am now at my goal weight.
anything lost after this is just bonus points. :)

no word from the boy, all weekend. not a whisper.
but i don't care.
i wrote the email - just asking what his plans are, and if they include me - and now i'm leaving him alone.
the next move is all up to him.

i've done STACKS today - worked my ass off, and have some good results (already uploading the NRA eventing photos from Saturday.. so i've just got to start on Sunday's shots now, and there are less of them than Saturday!)

I'm feeling ... a little numb.
but ok.