13 posts tagged “love”
since the boy left, we've been sending texts to each other every day... keeping in touch, as best we can..
he's still sitting in kuwait, in the dust and heat, waiting for his transport back to the sandpit...
he's trying to enjoy the relative "peace and quiet" of the base he's at before he has to go back to the bs and craziness of the FOB.
this time is incredibly bittersweet for me
i adore getting his messages... every time my phone beeps my heart jumps in excitement and i scramble to read the note from my man... because... he makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me sigh...
it's so good to know that he feels EXACTLY the way i do
i miss him so much that my heart aches and i'm like a junkie going through withdrawal ... he IS my drug...
i miss his skin
his smell
his lips
his arms around me
his cute feet
his warm hands
his dazzling smile (he can get away with anything if he flashes that smile at me)
his wonderful laugh (it makes me laugh when he does - every time!)
i miss making him breakfast
and lunch
and dinner
and holding his hand while we walk around the mall
driving in my car - his hand on my leg, giving me a squeeze every now and then...
seeing him looking at me, out the corner of my eye...
i miss the jokes and the play fights and the wrestling and tickling and laughing
i miss his laugh SO MUCH
i miss his voice... so delicious and sexy - reaches through my ear right down to my toes...
i miss hearing him say my name, calling me sweet things... telling me how much he loves me...
just normal, every day things
i will never take it for granted
we've had so little time together - but each time we ARE together, it's like we were never apart - we just click in place.
we fit.
so his messages make my heart SOAR.. but they also make me hurt... because i'm half a person without him... i feel empty and restless and lost...
but i know he feels the same - which makes it so much better, so much easier to get through the day.
i love him more than ANYTHING.
sometimes i can't believe that he loves me. that i am such a lucky woman.
ok.
mush over.
you can look again!
romantic does not even cover it...
Thursday 25th June 2009.
My friend G says he's coming to visit me, while I'm house sitting - just popping in for a cup of tea, he says... says he's bringing a friend too...
None the wiser - I am half in my jammies (ready for another early wake up and off to work - at least the next day was Friday) and not expecting anything hinky.
I open the garage door and see my friend G... don't see anyone else in the car... so i'm greeting G and then i see someone else walk in, but it's dark and i can't really see this "friend" of G's...
so I look at him, and then look at G - waiting for him to introduce his friend...
i then look again at this "friend"... thinking "he looks familiar"...
and then he smiles...
and my knees give way and the world goes a little smushy and my heart stops and i can't breathe...
because there stands the man that i love.
my soldier.
my dark and sexy american boy.
when my legs decided to work again, i leapt on him and clung to him like a limpet.
he said that was the best moment ever.
he smelled so good.
felt so good.
sounded so good.
my friend said that he has never actually seen genuine shock in his life until that moment when he saw my eyes.
the boy and he said that my eyes went HUGE and my mouth was open and they could almost _hear_ my brain go "WTF!!!!!???????OMG!!!"
and yesterday i said goodbye to him.
drove him to the airport.
we sat in the terminal, enjoying our last moments of being happy together.
thinking of the fun things we'd done.
things we'd seen.
we had the most amazing time - it's so refreshing to see the place i live, through the eyes of someone else.
he relaxed utterly, didn't shave, let his hair grow. slept well. ate well.
we had awesome weather - Cape Town clearly approved, because she saved up the foul weather for the day he left - it's still raining (BUCKETING!)
we saw cheetahs, and eagles and penguins and beaches and mountains and forests and we walked everywhere and went into little shops and flew in a gyrocopter and drank wine made breakfasts and lunches and dinners and took hundreds of photos...
i'm hoping that this little R&R was what he needed to get him through the next 4 months till he gets "home' to germany.
i know it helped me.
except that now, all these memories are here on my turf...
driving in my car
going to the shops
the hardest part is sleeping...
sleeping without his warm arms around me
his legs all tangled up with mine...
or wrapping my arms around him and resting my head against his back...
the sound of his heartbeat
just having to "go back to normal" - that's what's the hard part now.
but we will persevere - and i think this makes us stronger - as cliche' as that sounds.
he told me some interesting things and we had some good talks...
this was the best surprise of my life and i am even more in love with my crazy, cunning, sweetheart than ever before.
gross gross gross...
what is it with dogs and "cleaning up' after the cats?
*gag*
must be one of the most REVOLTING smells ever.
makes me quite ill.
so that damn dog is kicked out of my room and she can grumble and snorf and growl and whimper and be a pain in the butt, BUT FROM THE PASSAGE WHERE I CAN'T SMELL HER BREATH!
ANYHOO...
Been looking at gifts for the boy, for his 24th, at the end of June.
I want to get him something unique, original, special... something that shows him how much I love him, and makes him think of me every time he sees it...
I also want to get another tattoo - had some ideas and sent an email to my tattoo artist friend, see what he says about it... if he has any ideas as well...
"Ani LeDoddi VeDoddi Li"
A few updates:
Yes, I got that job in the HellDesk.
Full time. 8am to 4:30pm.
Which means getting up at 0530, leaving home at 0615 and getting to work by 0700, or I fight my way through traffic for an hour and a half.
Joy.
I only fall asleep, if I'm lucky, around 0230.
So I am one TIRED little geek girl.
I have too many house sitting gigs lined up.
I am tired just thinking about it. Start next week with the first one.
No pets. Will be quiet. No internet either. will be boring.
But it's during the week anyway - so I basically come home, eat, shower, sleep, wake up early.. no time for anything else really.
Haven't done much photography recently - too exhausted on the weekends - but still getting orders...
OH!
My photobook got listed on Amazon... check it out!
http://www.amazon.com/Photographers-Choice-Andrea-Lindenberg/dp/B002ACW0E0/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1244295916&sr=8-5
I'm kinda stoked, actually - a Lulu pilot program that included me!
I'll see what comes of it, and I definitely need to make a new photobook with updated photos and a new theme too...
I trimmed my fringe - it was annoying me - I think I did a pretty good job.
I am going to dye my hair "ruby red" a bit later... see how that turns out - since the blonde thing ain't happened...
Just a change.. it's a dark ruby red... so more reddy brown, but not auburn...
I'll see what my hair decides it will turn out as though...
Went out to the Marine Bar last night - first time since.. wow.. November last year!
They've revamped it - it looks awesome!
All warm colours and nice lighting and a very cool poker table and also a new pool table (Bridgeport)... I even managed to win a few games. The other table I don't I ever won once... but I blamed it on the skewness and the bumps in the felt!
Met Bud, and Jeff and Chris - no, not Marines. Guys working there on the new security fencing etc at the Consulate. Cool dudes. Chris was born and raised on Oahu, in Hawaii - he has such a cool accent :) He joined the US Army at age 18, and was also stationed at Schofield, like the boy. But obviously, WAY back - he said '79 to '82 or something! He was very cool. I didn't get to talk to Jeff much, but he has a really fun laugh and a lovely accent too.
Bud was cool too - married a saffy girl a while back, and has a young daughter here.
Met one of the new Marines - John Oh - he was born in Korea, but went to the US when he was 7. Joined the Marines!
He's tiny, but a sweety from what I could gather. Didn't talk to him much.
Didn't meet Joseph, the other Marine, but saw him wander off to Post in his camos. Made me miss my man SO much.
And hearing all the accents.
And I still haven't met Jeff, and he's been there the longest out of the n00bs.
Jason leaves end of the month I think.. or in July.. he hasn't got orders, just knows he's going to New Delhi! Can you imagine?! I think he'll do well though - he has a strange patience with developing nation people, like us. I wish him luck. (although he carries that with him at all times) Will miss him though! Half Italian, half Irish - makes for a crazy concoction!
Miss the boy something fierce.
and with the new Plan he's made... I guess i will just have to go on missing him for a while longer.
yes, hoping still to go to the States in December.
after that, it's back here.
guess i'll just make my own plans and stuff.
i want to move out.
i love my mom, love my animals, but i so desperately need my space.
and since i won't be going anywhere for a few years, i might as well do it when i get back.
Not this year though - will be saving for the trip.
Not sure if i have to buy the ticket or not.
Details are, as always, vague.
i'm adapting though.
I'm a tough cookie.
a Saffy through and through.
We move on.
the problem is there's no trust anymore...
people just don't trust anyone.
can't really blame them - there are so many con artists and schmoozers and people wanting to take advantage of any weakness (well, what they perceive to be a weakness - i don't think compassion is a weakness) that is shown.
the world has lost her innocence.
you won't hear "i took a chance on them because they are good people"
that makes me so very sad.
also
i wish i was stronger and braver.
yes, this from a girl who wants to fly helicopters for the US army and take photos in a warzone.
BUT
this from a girl who bought a rather cute little nose stud
BUT IS TOO SCARED TO TAKE OUT THE OTHER ONE!!!!
I start... i pull, gently... i twist... i begin... then something goes FLOLLOLLOP in my stomach and ZOOOOOOOOOOOPKAPWING in my brain... and my fingers shake and my knees go wobbly and I JUST CANNAE DO IT JIMMY!
*sigh*
i'm such a f**king wuss.
how can the boy love such a pathetic wimp?
i miss him.
my body actually aches sometimes. i need his hand in mine. his beautiful soft lips. his warm arms around me.
the way he smells.
the way he sounds. his voice softly in my ear, in the dark. his heart beat. his breath.
DAMN IT!
as my friend G said of the boy and I - it's all very lovely and romantic, but can we skip the boring bits and just GET TO THE BEING TOGETHER BIT!!!??
Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
The stars at night turned deep to dust
Melt me down
into big black armour
Leave no trace
Of grace
Just in your honour
Lower me down
to culprit south
Make 'em wash a space in town
For the lead
and the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the later parade
Once I wanted to be the greatest
Two fists of solid rock
With brains that could explain
Any feeling
Lower me down
Pin me in
Secure the grounds
For the lead
And the dregs of my bed
I've been sleepin'
For the later parade
Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or water fall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
The stars at night turned deep to dust...
which is apparently not something Americans understand...
perhaps if i say crossing fingers?
well either way, that's what i am doing...
holding thumbs that my camera sells, soon...
holding thumbs that AP gets back to me, soon...
holding thumbs that clients pay me, soon...
it's just a couple, but it's a few hundred bucks, which is always a good thing, yeah?
happily i got to talk to the boy this evening - while watching Over The Hedge, the Hammy moment ('it never eeeeeeeeeeends.... *zooooooooooooooom*... it never ends that way tooooooooooo....") so i was smiling already.. and then i saw him online :)
he misses me... YAY! glad to hear that, because i miss him too...
some days more than others - depending on how busy i am.. if my mind gets time to dwell on it or not...
he's safe where he is.. well as relatively safe as he can be, anyway
probably safer than i am! hah!
it sounds like he has it pretty good there, though - which is super cool.
his own room, internet access, some responsibility to keep him busy, cool toys too
i can't wait for photos!
i've been working out too much - the muscles around my belly are getting a little _too_ large for my liking... it's muscle, but because i'm already "well-covered'.. it tends to look like fat, under tshirts, etc, because it bulges out!
so i'm going to take it a little easy on the crunches and heel taps for a while... just concentrate on the skipping and the running (hah! that sounds so funny!) and also going to swim when i start house sitting for susan, in their lovely big warm pool.. can't wait, actually...
last time i stayed there over the summer, i swam every evening and i got pretty tanned and toned - was very cool. and you don't even FEEL it (at first anyway!) which is even better.
braved the crazy, dodgy areas of cape town today, to go renew my drivers license - took far less time than i thought it would, thankfully... altogether, i was gone for about an hour and a half, including driving time. which isn't bad at all.
had another dream about cutting my hair the other night (when i eventually fell asleep... really been struggling recently) and i'm wondering what it means...
i'm not talking pretty hairstyled kinda cut... i'm talking hacked off with a pair of scissors, all crazy. and the first time i dreamt it, i also then shaved my head after that... but not the second time i dreamt it... strangely enough.
anyone have any ideas on what it means?
i guess i should google.
google will know.
google is king.
or queen.
depending on your outlook on life.
need to get to the mall tomorrow, to buy something important.
really REALLY hope my camera sells soon.
hold thumbs people, please.
night night.
Been listening to this song by Beyonce'...
it rings true...
woke up this morning with the most horrendously sore throat.
it was so swollen and raw that i couldn't swallow. not even tea.
i am in agony.
i hope it's not my tonsils. i can't afford to have them out. i can't afford anything really. and i'm not on medical aid (obviously).
joy.
so i'm downing ecchinacia (however you bloody spell it) and vitamin C by the 1000's of mg and multi-vitamins... in the hopes it goes away.
had my last ride with Mandy and the gang this morning - rode Watchy. She was a royal pain, but was still an awesome ride - we rode on the beach and watched it go from bright blue sky to thunderclouds and horrible humid heat in the space of the hour we were out there.
no whales though.
just wish it would rain, so it would cool down. really don't enjoy the heat or the humidity. another reason i'm having second thoughts about Dubai. (besides the fact that i've received no positive responses except from people who say they would only talk to me about work when i got there - which is cool, but not very helpful)
after the ride i came home and took all my wet clothes off (Watchy was having a splash fest in the vlei - she's so sweet) and climbed under my nice soft blanket and tried to sleep. you don't realise how many times you swallow, until you have a sore throat and it's killer painful to do so. especially when trying to sleep. i managed about 40 minutes - which is brilliant, considering i didn't sleep at all the night before. at ALL.
i still have rather a lot on my mind.
i love the boy. he is my number one and nothing will change that. ever.
but i've been spending time with some _other_ wonderful people... and they are all saying that i'm actually an amazing woman and that anyone who spends any time with me can't help but adore me. how odd is that? it's not just from person (if it was, i'd be like "yeah sure, you just want to get into my pants, don't ya!") it's from ... basically from EVERYONE i have met in the last few weeks... and i mean _everyone_.. even the most unlikely people... people who have nothing to gain from sucking up to me or being nice to me...
the one gentleman said that his wife (And his wife's grandmother, a korean lady) said i was "so natural and so true to myself and so _real_" that a "light shines from her eyes"... that i am an "angel"... i'm no angel. i make mistakes. i'm only human.
but.
it's opened my eyes. to the fact that i _can_ be loved like that.for me. for who _I_ am.
i mean i KNOW that the boy loves me - no doubts about that! he has opened my HEART. wide open.
but honestly, i thought that was just... luck... just.. some divine chance that someone like him could fall for someone like me...
but now... after all this... it's like.. i feel .. amazed... and.. overwhelmed and... i don't know what else!
i'm also thinking about my future. MY future. where i see myself. right now it's crazy, and i don't know. i'm unsure.
i know what i _want_ ... but life doesn't always give us what we want, but more what we _need_...
and i don't know what i need.
so i'm scared.
and in making decisions about MY life... i don't want to hurt anyone else... which, in decisions to come, could be difficult... but it _is_ my life...
but right now i have enough on my mind, i'm not ready to go there just yet.
i've lost about 3kg in the last week or more - stress.
broken out like a teenager. bloody sucks.
and my body is going haywire - not sleeping, hardly eating (and now with this sore throat i CAN'T eat, even if i want to.. so i'm forced to eat yoghurt!)
i hate this time of year.
hate it.
and sometimes a thought rolls around in my crazy head... and it confuses me... "what if i _had_ stayed with the boy?"
what then?
i would never have discovered all these incredible people, and the wonderful words and emotions they have sent my way, out of the blue..
my eyes would be set. focused in one place.
sometimes i don't think that's a bad thing. it would certainly be easier on my mind and body.
so anyway. took the cat to the vet for her monthly injection - and was happily asked if i could work for them for a week or so end of december, beginning jan.. which is awesome. a little weight off my mind... now i just need to get through the end of THIS month, and the beginning of december... lots of housesitting coming up... i think that's what i need. some time on my own.
just wish it would RAIN now!
i never get tired of telling people about how the boy and i met... how something so random turned into something so strong... and all the bits in between...
however, it's sometimes really cathartic (especially when missing said boy more than words can express right now) to read about someone ELSE who fell in love, in a remarkable and totally out of the blue way.
to hear about how it unfolded.. moment by moment... kiss by kiss...
it brings a strange peace to my currently tumultuous heart...
a small solace...
i really do miss his lips.. that little cupid bow mouth... so warm... so soft... if he'd let me, i could have spent hours just kissing him... and maybe one day soon i will get that chance...
a lazy sunday afternoon perhaps... or a rainy tuesday night...
one day, i will have the wherewithall to focus enough to write something down about our little love letter story...
right now, i'm not ready.
remind me again when things get more settled, more sure, more stable...
when i'm not flat out panicked about how the hell i will pay my bills this month, or how i'm going to get through things in the future... things i can't even talk about right now....
chin up, you stupid girl... think about how lucky you actually are... in all things that are important, anyway.
bloody hell i annoy myself sometimes.
STOP BITCHING. MAKE A PLAN. geez.
like i always do.
