9 posts tagged “tj”

... and I am _petrified_

i told the boy that it was 99% certain that i was coming over

i have to say i'd hoped for a little more enthusiasm... there were a lot of negatives thrown my way ...
kinda hurt a bit.
"don't want to burst your bubble... but..."

so i am scared now.
i'm going through all this... selling my soul... digging a hole...

and he says "oh, cool" about me coming over... and then goes into the "but" listings...

am i asking too much, wanting just a LITTLE MORE excitement on his part?

guess it's just one of those other-side days.
i'm not going to let it get me down.

i've already had to deal with my mother being so negative it had me in tears. and added another sleepless night to my growing collection. have hardly had about 5 hours altogether, since the news of his deployment, on wednesday night.

i am running on empty. i am trying to do all this on my own. i will get no help from my mother. i remember now why i don't talk to her about anything. we just do NOT see things the same way. at all.

 thankfully i have the g-man, who has helped me a great deal - just with positive reinforcement and ideas on how to get money and stuff. he valiantly wades through the 'snot and trane' and gives me a swift kick up the bum and gets me back on track, again and again.

but i really really would like a bit more enthusiasm from the Boy.
i _need_ him to say he's excited... he can't wait... he's looking forward to it... SOMETHING...
not all this "but i don't have a car..." and "but i don't have anywhere for you to stay..." and "but i don't have any money to spend..."
does it really MATTER? i just want to be with him. finally. doesn't he want me anymore?
who cares how i get there or where i stay or if i have to spend my own damn money?
i wasn't EXPECTING anything from him!

at least he has a phone now.
he called earlier to tell me it was working... "but so damn expensive" so he won't be calling me much.

whatever.

well.
the boy called me at 3:30AM to tell me his exciting news...
his papers are through division, just waiting on one more signature (the commanders) and then he's off to Germany.
so basically.. 90% certain.
he leaves in a couple of months... 2 maybe 3.
Carmen goes with.
but he says he might sell her when he gets there - because she's a gas guzzler - and he wants to buy a bmw.
when in germany, i guess...

so he says "go back to sleep, sweety and i'll be online later"
so i did.

i then dragged my tired ass (after a hectic ride on Catch yesterday afternoon - he's not been ridden in 2 months!) out of bed at 8am, just to talk to him... and he says "so ask me a question... anything"
and when i don't have any "questions" for him... he *yawns* at me, and says "well then i'm going to bed. i'm tired and bored."

gee. thanks.
boys. *sigh*

WHATEVER! I shall engage Boy Mode then.
See how he likes it.

also.
my mother made me SO angry.
i'm not posting anything on my other blog anymore.
i knew she read it...
but last night she says basically that i was whoring myself out "begging for money" online...
to get to Hawaii.
did i EVER beg?
i reread ALL my posts. i did no such thing!
just because i added some advertising? and some art for sale? and asked people to buy it?
wtf??!!?
THANKS MOM!
Way to show the love!

so. no more updates about him on there. that's for sure.
which means basicaly NO UPDATES. because he is PART of my life and i WILL be going wherever he is!

i was SO angry. and SO hurt. if that's what she thinks of me. wow.

he even said it
i have terrible timing ... :(

been missing each other by minutes, constantly...

and this morning, the one morning where i wouldn't have to do anything, i could just chill here and chat to him... he decides to go out with his buddies ...

not that i mind him going out!! no no, i think that's _good_... i'd rather he was going out and having fun than sitting in his room moping and being bored..

it's just SUCH BAD TIMING!!

*sigh*

i really miss him.

finally got the wifi working for my laptop (on this home net) and can actually sit upstairs in the comfort of the bedroom...
i haxx0red it.
i was quite proud of myself!

and inbetween all this... the damn marine decides to show an interest...
sorry dude. too little, too late. more bad timing!

my heart is taken.
but DAMN he's sexy.  menacing...

i might still get goosebumps when i see him, but i will _never_ _ever_ do anything to mess things up with TJ.

so now what?

there i was thinking about him... and my phone rings
and it's HIM!!
22h30 at night, but that's ok!!!!!
HE CALLED ME!
Said he had only one minute, but wanted to tell me he DIDN'T make it :( AND he broke his foot!!!!

made it all the way through the two weeks... and breaks his damn foot on the last day!!!
wouldn't they see that as a minor detail??
he made it ALL the way through!!!
come on!!

*Sigh*

now what?

:(

my poor babe.

i feel so bad for him.

he sounded so miserable.

so he'll be "at the hotel" for a couple of days apparently...

maybe i'll get to speak to him at least...

:(

i feel so icky now. poor thing.

and i'll cling to that, desperately

TJ is amazing.

amazing amazing wonderful

a gem.
a plum.
a star.
an angel.

things were going well with my sweet soldier boy
so well
then he went away - only 24 hours - out of contact
so firstly, i couldn't focus on work - i struggled so badly.
did NOT work at all.
turned into this emotional basket case. i missed him SO much.
then, the sweet creature he is, he got online as SOON as he got back (had been awake 24 hours, but he still got online to talk to me) and i was so happy... so ridiculously happy.
We yakked more - he was so sweet - but so tired, so he went to bed.
I was ok

then, i had such a bad day. (nothing to do with him - just various elements and things going wrong)
and i desperately needed to talk to him, be with him.
and he got online, as he always does - bright and cheerful and amazing as usual - and i had this .. horrible ache in my chest instead of being happy to see him. i ached because i like him so much. so much. and miserable because i'll never get to be with him. and he really is... just so wonderful. i've never met anyone like him. so ... chilled, so easy to talk to.. so comfortable. so different from the boys i've known. i guess i was looking for the strings again. as usual.

so - i burst into tears and he said "don't worry, i'm here for you - take all the time you need"
and that's the last time i spoke to him.

he has disappeared. hasn't been online, hasn't emailed me - i got a one word answer to a text i sent.
and i totally spazzed out.  lost the plot.

usually, he would be online in the mornings (my morning, his evening). but he was "sleeping". It was still early.

now. do i take that as a "fuck off you crazy cow" or do i take it as "i was working all day and needed sleep" ?
he's usually so "wordy" - he says a lot, rather than nothing (which i like about him)...

so my heart is in anguish.  in little pieces.
if i've lost him too, due to my strange emotional outburst... i really will be broken.

so i sent an email, trying to sound lighthearted and  happy - asking him to ignore my little crazy moment.

and now i wait.

i feel sick. totally sick.

and it's all my own fault.

My friend Wendy says that 8 is my lucky number (she knows these things) and this year, she has a feeling it's going to be all mine.
SO i have CLAIMED it!
2008 Is MY YEAR.

I just got a loan!!!!!! and a super repayment option on it too! It's amazing!
I'm getting a new camera, a new lens, fixing my car and paying off all my debts!!!

I'm still waiting for the email from my Marine though... BUT - I'm going to be both realistic AND positive about it...
he's a busy man (that much i know), perhaps he IS involved (which is disappointing, but if i know, then it's easier to move on) and maybe (just maybe) he does remember me and my email made him smile (i hope) and perhaps he is nervous?
He is younger than me, after all. And my email was kinda out of the blue!
So i'm giving him time (maybe he'll get a chance on the weekend?) and space and not going to bug him.

I'm going to get on with things - i've got lots to do! Lots of exciting work, and big shows coming up... i'll focus, for a change.

I'll pass the time chatting to my sweet buddy, TJ - with no strings for a change.

And life will move forward!

And now! On to the beach with my dogs!